Caffeine Deprivation

Caffeine - "A bitter alkaloid found in coffee and tea that is responsible for their stimulating effects."
wordnetweb.princeton.edu

Deprivation (loss) - "The disadvantage that results from losing something."
wordnetweb.princeton.edu

Some symptoms of this condition include drowsiness, forgetfulness, clumsiness, frequent yawning and at its worst, unconsciousness. If the worst occurs the sufferer may also fall victim to one or more series of uncontrolled mental images and emotions. These images and emotions may even construct a dangerously realistic looking, feeling and smelling surrogate world that tricks the victim into believing all sorts of things which plainly are not true. Normally such people would be considered quite insane and locked up.

Perhaps Plutarch's observation¹ has prevented mankind from imprisoning everyone from the highest leaders to the lowliest cotters in the worlds largest sanatorium. Perhaps our own trips into madness every night is what's required to keep us sane. No one knows for sure if either statement is true. But some know that unlike the average Tom, Dick, Harry or Sally, on this rock floating through space they don't have a single dream world that they go to. To the contrary, they have yet to recall visiting the same dream world twice.

Take our subject, Subject X, for example. Since the fever induced Godzilla dreams of his youth Subject X hasn't had a dream in the same setting, nor involving the same people. His most recent dream had overtones of flat-earth, Mario Brothers and -- if you believe dream interpretations -- great trust for his subconsciousness or impending success or fortune.

In this dream our subject only recalls three major activities: climbing, jumping and swimming. You see the world he was in was a rather small cube shaped world with a peculiar gravity and a north to south rotation. He had the distinct feeling he would fall off the world -- should he stop moving. So he had to run, crawl, swim and basically scramble eternally, just to keep from falling. There were great bodies of water he had to swim across, massive flat, brick and sandstone landscapes to traverse, and eventually climb as the face of the cube he was on inevitably turned near to fully vertical just as he reached the edge.

However, the jumping he remembered best. In the murky and swampy areas of the world where neither a good running pace, nor swimming could occur, there lurked snapping turtles. Mind you these turtles weren't the run of the mill, finger amputating kind; they were the foot/leg amputating sort of turtle. As he trudged through this landscape, the turtles would lurk, waiting in the water near the small bits of solid ground. As he would approach they would thrust their necks up, out of the water, and try to make a quick snack of his feet. He would, of course, jump to avoid their maws, and occasionally use their heads as stepping stones. Apparently this was a most disconcerting task.

While this may seem a light-hearted dream, our subject reports it as a physically draining dream filled with a constant fear of falling off the world, or worse, being eaten to death by the lurking snappers. He claims the long swims across the bodies of water were the worst; he expected the turtles to appear and finally catch him. This is just one of a dizzying array of different and strange worlds Subject Xs subconscious has created for him.

He is, after all, a creative fellow; so it stands to reason his subconscious would be equally, if not more creative than his consciousness. However, with a creative and blatantly cruel subconscious mind such as Subject X has, Poe's statement about sleep being little slices of death, may actually be far more than cute metaphor for these people. Caffeine, and large doses of it, seems one of the few ways of preventing such nightly torment. . .


1 -"All men whilst they are awake are in one common world: but each of them, when he is asleep, is in a world of his own." -- Plutarch (www.famous-quotes.com)

Oropharyngeal Candidiasis

"Candidiasis of the mouth and throat, also known as oropharyngeal candidiasis, is a fungal infection that occurs when there is overgrowth of fungus called Candida. Candida is normally found on skin or mucous membranes. However, if the environment inside the mouth or throat becomes imbalanced, Candida can multiply."

   -- www.wrongdiagnosis.com



The tendrils of Candida reach far beyond the mouths and throats of humanity. They reach into the very depths of our collective subconscious. Everything is out of balance. My dream world has been conquered by Candida.

As I lay on the couch the television screams out the DVDA lyrics, "I am chewbacca! I am a wookie!". I drift off to sleep as The South wins civil war reenactments. “I fight the empire! I fix the robots!” echoes in my brain as a little boy broods over not bleeding out his anus. The same boy vomits while kissing his girlfriend. The sound of a peacock getting its neck broken wakes me from this unpleasant slumber.

As the image sharpens I realize it was not the sound of a peacock getting its neck broken. But rather it was the sound of the twenty fifth cute bunny being killed by a heartless young girl. The twenty sixth bunny is spared. The genesis device is destroyed. I am drooling slightly. My eyes are heavy. Groggy, I am unable to fight the pull of Candida. I fall asleep again.

Now I am in an even more disturbing world. Here where notes have colors a gay puppeteer and a dimwitted monkey begin fighting. A pack of rabid children are cheering at the spectacle. They froth at the mouth as the monkey pummels the puppeteer. The puppeteer distracts the monkey and gets away. The scene changes.

Now the monkey is sitting in the hand of a famous attorney. The attorney makes some silly noises. A jurors head explodes. Blood flies everywhere. I am shot by the gingerfication gun. I am sucked into a new and far more sinister world.

In this world a group of young children are standing in the snow. I see two young boys and a young girl. They are standing near a pond. I know the name of the pond but cannot recall it. The children stare expectantly past me. From the reflection in one child's eyes I see there is another child a great distance behind me. He looks afraid and angry. Fire explodes all around the child reflected in their eyes. Everything goes dark.

When the world returns I am facing the same direction as the children. I see gray aliens with oversized oval heads and giant, black, soulless eyes. The aliens are communing with a group of cows. A police officer standing near by begins singing and dancing. The song resembles an old but familiar tune circa 1920. I awaken in a panic. The brown note has been played!

When the brown note is played my body responds. When my body responds I run to the porcelain god. I take my rightful seat upon the throne. I hear the note again. I can no longer resist its seductive voice. I only wish it was not one of the minions of Candida.

Hiccup

"A hiccup is an involuntary spasm of the diaphragm; typically this repeats several times a minute until some home remedy is applied. The sudden rush of air into the lungs causes the glottis to close, creating the "hic" noise. It is sometimes written as hiccough, though this spelling is becoming archaic. " (Wikipedia, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiccup)

Isn't that a dry and melancholy description? Humorous symptoms deserve better descriptions than that! "Humorous?" you ask. "How is this humorous?" you demand.

I'll tell you how it's humorous. I will provide the words and scenery. You will provide the imagination.

First, imagine your chattiest coworker. You know him. He loves to talk. He talks endlessly. He talks at everyone and about nothing.

Now, imagine this. Imagine you can induce hiccups in people. It's a special gift. You reserve it for special occasions. All you need is to snap your fingers.

Oh dear! He has "paid you a visit". But your work beckons you. Well ok, you pretend it beckons. The hint isn't received. You wait a moment longer. You wait to see if he'll leave. He lingers. You ignore him.

"So then do you know what? Do you know Darth Mull did?" ...
"So? Do you?" ...
"I'm not boring you am I?"...

*SNAP*
*Hic* *Hic*

*SNAP* *SNAP*
*Hic**Hic**Hic**Hic**Hic**Hic**Hic*

He scurries to his office. But, you still have a problem. Your imp isn't fulfilled. You'll need another session with your coworker.

Later that day he is vulnerable. He is standing at the coffee machine. He is about to take a sip of coffee. The coffee is piping hot. The Imp demands satisfaction. The Imp knows coffee is his lifes blood. He cannot live without it. He has twenty-three lectures on coffee. Only one of the lectures is correct. It's about how to get a darker roast. The beans are roasted longer. Truly this genius goes unrewarded. You decide to reward this genius.

You restrain The Imp. You must find the perfect moment. It's very close now. The cup is almost touching his lips. The Imp is no longer restrained!

*SNAP*
*hic* *hic*

Oh dear! Did he really spill the coffee there!?! It looks very painful. The Imp is fulfilled. You snicker quietly to yourself, finally seeing the humor.

Raynaud's Phenomenon

Raynaud's phenomenon is a disorder of the small blood vessels of the extremities, causing coldness and reduced blood flow. In response to cold or anxiety, these vessels go into spasms, causing pain, the sensations of burning and tingling, and color changes.

Jerome Raynaud was a young, attractive and rich Englishman of French descent. Jerome had been engaged many times. But like clockwork, every morning Jerome was to marry he'd awake with his hands and feet burning and eventually turning numb. No matter how many times he tried to marry his beloved, he always found the same ailment afflicting him. So the inevitable strife would occur between Jerome and his beloved. She would leave Jerome and he would move on. Later he would find another comely maiden to woo, and to court. Again, like clockwork, his ailment would set in on the very morning he was to be wed.

Then one day, when out walking and pondering the question "Will I be a bachelor forever?"; Jerome ran across the most unlikely of people. Jerome met a pauper who, in better clothes, could be mistaken for himself! So immediately Jerome took this fellow of the street under his wing. He taught him all the manners a truly gentile person should have. Equestrian pursuits, fencing, dancing, debating, these were all subjects that Jerome loved and at which the pauper excelled at. All he needed now was a new lady to court.

And a new lady he found. Jerome's plan was working perfectly. His new love, Miss Joanne, was lovely indeed. Long silky brown hair flowed down just beyond her shoulders. She was comely, sharp as a tack, easy to please and was born of gentry. He knew at once she was the one. He knew she would make the perfect bride, wife and mother to his children.

After many months of courtship, Jerome was convinced that she would cast off her other suitors and take his hand in marriage. As well Jerome was convinced his new doppelganger friend had learned not only the manners of the gentile, but also his mannerisms. So Jerome confessed to his now dapper and charming twin and friend. "Jack, my dear friend, I must admit that my intentions in teaching you to become a gentleman were not pure and selfless" Jerome said. To which Jack replied "Do go on." Jerome continued "Well you see, I suffer a severe, and quite literal case of cold feet whenever I am about to wed. I cannot so much as walk down the stairs so much as the wedding aisle. And as you know I will not inherit much more than I already have if I do not sire an heir." At which point Jack suggested "I believe I see where you're going. Miss Joanne is quite lovely, and I do say had you not won her heart, I'd have courted her myself. But in all honesty don't you think that she will notice a difference at the altar?"

Jerome pondered this for a moment and said, "You know, you're quite right. We must have her over. We will put her to a test. I shall dress as a pauper and pretend to be you, and you will dress as me. We will have her over for supper and see if she notices." Jack smiled and said "I do believe you have a wonderful plan." Somewhat sadly, Jerome said "Ahh Jack you are a true friend. However, you do realize that after Miss Joanne and I are wed you will need to find your own accommodations. But until the wedding night you will be a guest in my house!" To which Jack smiled and said "And with the tutelage you have provided me, that shall be no problem. "

So Jerome and Jack administered their test on Miss Joanne. It went over splendidly. Through the entire meal Joanne did not show any signs that she knew Jerome was playing Jack, and that Jack was playing Jerome. Feeling brave Jack seized the opportunity. He took Miss Joanne's hand. He got down on one knee and offered this simple proposal. "Miss Joanne, as you know, my intentions and heart are pure. My feelings for you are more than mere words can describe. Will you make me the happiest man alive and tell me that you'll marry me?"

Joanne was overwhelmed with joy and accepted the proposal. So Jack feeling brave asked if two months out was too soon. To which Joanne replied, "Tonight wouldn't be soon enough to marry you Jack. You've never left a woman at the altar. You've never before lied to me; and I expect you to never lie to me again. Nor have you hidden your intentions from a dear friend." Looking at Jerome she said "Don't feel left out Jerome. I'm sure Jack will make you the best man. As well, now you can go to the wedding. You will even get to dance with and kiss the bride. And, never once will you worry for your feet growing cold on the morning of the wedding."

Morals of the story:

• "Honesty is the best policy."
• "Not all doppelgangers are out to kill you."
• "No two people really look that much alike."
• "Joanne was sharp as a tack; did you really think she'd be so easily fooled?"
• "You do realize, Jack was already courting her, right?"

What does all of this have to do with "Raynaud's Phenomenon"?
Apart from "cold feet", not a damn thing!